All posts tagged women

Ways to Upset Women: My Greatest Hits

The things I’m about to tell you may have had more impact on one life than that of another. What I can say is that these events are not results of my imagination. I know they’re real because the word, “dammit,” echoed (and still echoes) in my head as soon as I realized what I’d done.

I’ve managed to upset some women throughout my life. These are my greatest hits.

  • The Ménage à Three’s Too Many: Being able to talk to one woman is a gift. Anything beyond that is stupidity. Especially when you’re just hoping for one, then end up with nothing because one of them heard about the other(s).
  • The Proofreader: It’s not unlikely that a guy could date—outside of separate time periods—two women whose parents liked the same name but with a slightly different spelling. Likelihood I’d fail the spelling bee? Pretty freaking good.
  • Aloof is for Kids: When I was in my late teens, I was taken with a piece of fiction in which the female lead was enamored with her love interest’s aloofness. It’s called fiction for a reason, kids.
  • Losing at Jenga: I’ve written about blocking before, and there are times when it’s appropriate. You should know it’s not appropriate if you’re blocking two parties who are genuinely interested in each other. Didn’t end well. Just like Jenga.
  • Sleepy Makeout: Okay, fine. Sleepy is a stretch. I drank way more than she did and fell into an alcohol-induced stupor when she was just ready for affection. One tends to sleep with their eyes open after something like that.
  • The “Do Not Call” List: Going out with the guys and telling her about it? That’s good. Coming back at 4:00 a.m. and not calling to notify? Not so good.
  • Gin Blossoms: Hey, jealousy. Hey, lock-it-up-before-she-gives-you-something-to-be-jealous-about. Because she will do it, gin blossom.
  • The 180 on Purpose: This is basically overacting. You know, being fake mad or happy when you’re legit mad or happy. Take it from me, this is not to be done around her. Or her family.
  • The Silent Treatment: No explanation necessary. Guys don’t win this game. EVER.
  • The Public Notary: This only happened once, and I’m not even sure we were officially a couple. She might’ve even been relieved by it. But, the fact I did it in front of people to publicly notarize the event wasn’t cool.

Why the confession? Part of the reason is because I seem to be giving a lot of recent advice for making things work, and the other part is because I can’t have you thinking I know all the answers. I’ve failed plenty of (life) tests.

The mirror might not say I’m an asshole, but it’s not speaking a foreign language when it says I’m an ass. Cupid tapped the collective asses of love and self-awareness a very long time ago.

Just try to keep my greatest hits off your playlist.

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by hipdecision on June 29, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on June 29, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/ways-to-upset-women-my-greatest-hits/

The jeans that wear me, and keep them guessing

I wear jeans. Work or play, casual or not.

Given a choice, that’s what I’ll choose. I’m comfortable in them. They go with pretty much anything—a black tee … a white button-down … a suit jacket … Nikes … bare feet … whatever. They are the definition of versatility.

Then, somewhere along the road, they started wearing me. I wasn’t in charge any longer. They knew what I was going to do before I even stepped into the closet after my morning shower. They knew I was going to throw them on, put some black shoes on my feet, pull on a shirt of some kind, and then cover it with a jacket.

Where’s the fun in that?

By all means, be your brand. Just don’t let yourself get lazy about it. You wear the jeans. Don’t let the jeans wear you.

You gotta keep them guessing, you know. Bring something different to the table each time. Create anticipation … in a good way.

It doesn’t have to be much. It just has to be slightly unexpected.

Work or play, casual or not.

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by hipdecision on June 27, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on June 27, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/the-jeans-that-wear-me-and-keep-them-guessing/

Why her makeup fascinates me, and bum is better

Fellas, when we were growing up, there were lots of things our dads didn’t mention. I believe that was by subconscious design. And for payback. LOTS of payback.

One of those things was most likely a woman’s makeup.

It’s not so much a thing as it is a potentially-usable collection, because none of it gets thrown away. Ever. That stuff is kept for life.

And it’s not so much a possession as it is a skill. Seriously. Have you ever watched—and I mean really watched—your girl apply her makeup? Get ready to go to work or go out with friends? No?

You are missing out.

If you appreciate true skill, true craftsmanship, then look no further than your girl. It’s Photoshop at its finest, but not in one of those OMG-look-at-this-celeb-without-Photoshop-WTF kind of ways.

I don’t get lost in the changes it makes to her face. I get lost in the skill of it all … the practice it must have taken … the trial and error of this shade versus that one … the entire process, from just out of the shower to ready for action. I’m telling you—you can see the end in her eyes before she even begins. It fascinates me, and I suspect it has the same effect on some of you.

But, does it fascinate her?

She might be anxious. She might be wondering what you think of her finished work. More importantly, she might be a little unsure of what you think of her unfinished work.

It’s part of your job to assure her, to show your fascination by her lack of makeup as much as she fascinates you with its skillful application.

The mask—even though it really isn’t a mask—isn’t supposed to always be worn. There will be no lazy Sunday morning walks of shame to the bathroom in hopes of saving the remnants of Saturday night. Those times are meant for bum, and there will be LOTS of those. You shall love it—and she’ll be fascinated.

Going out with Photoshop is amazing. Waking up with bum is better.

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by hipdecision on June 20, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on June 20, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/06/20/why-her-makeup-fascinates-me-and-bum-is-better/

Word play, and she made you look

Word Play sketch

Not everyone has a way with words. And that’s okay, because that’s the way it is. However, that doesn’t mean—fellas—we can’t be better when it comes to word play.

So easy to mold. So easy to shape.

What I’m getting ready to share is not to be used with misguided intentions. It’s simple in its (re)arrangement. It’s subtle to the point of not being consciously recognized.

But, she will notice. As she tends to do.

The next time your girl is wearing something that catches your eye, I ask you to say—without any expectation of anything other than a display of publicly acceptable recognition—these words:

“That looks great on you.”

… instead of …

“You look great in that.”

See what happened there? I told you. Simple. Subtle. So easy to mold. So easy to shape.

She’ll like the former much better than the latter. Here’s why:

  • You’re recognizing she’s gorgeous in, and out of, whatever she’s wearing. The clothes don’t make her look great. It’s she who makes the clothes—or lack thereof—look great.
  • You’re reinforcing her fashion sense and letting her know it made you look. It’s not easy to make a buying decision when you’re trying to please two people instead of one. Make no mistake—she buys those clothes partly for your benefit.
  • It’s nice and it’s thoughtful and, when said the right way, damn sexy. She likes that shit.

Like I said, don’t use this knowledge with misguided intentions. Your only intention should be sincerity. If it isn’t, she will notice.

As she tends to do.

3 Comments
by hipdecision on June 13, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on June 13, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/word-play-and-she-made-you-look/

It’s wedding season, kid! (and the toast)

image by Chris Reed

I worked in a photography studio for 10 years. I loved every minute of it and this time of year—June, the beginning of wedding season—brings some of those minutes to mind.

I’m guessing I was behind the camera for approximately 120 weddings during those years. It might have been more, but definitely not less.

There isn’t much I haven’t seen, and there are plenty of tips I could give. But, each year during this time of year, I’m reminded of one wedding tradition that requires advice for everyone involved and for everyone in attendance: the toast(s) at the reception.

Some general guidelines for toast-givers:

About time: If you think it’s too short, it isn’t.

About subject: If you think it’s about you, think again. Then, think again.

About content: If you’re trying to be funny, don’t.

About sobriety: If a pre-game drink—or four—seems like a good idea, oh hell no.

About nervousness: If you think everyone in the room will be listening, you’re incorrect.

At least one of those items is always mismanaged. So if you’re giving a toast, go ahead and be nervous. That’s out of your control anyway.

And the specific rules not to be broken:

For groomsmen: This is not the time to share an embarrassing story about the groom. The bride will give you a smile-disguised death stare. Its effects aren’t immediate, but you will pay.

For bridesmaids: Shedding a tear is perfectly acceptable. Doing your best impression of an inconsolable talking child is not. Lock it up and increase your chances of being asked to dance later.

For guests: When the room suddenly gets quiet and/or someone is speaking into a microphone, it’s for a reason. When things like that happen, don’t talk. It’s beyond rude. You could become the subject of multiple SHUSHes or, in some cases, physically removed from the room. No joke.

For the bride and groom: No matter what happens, just smile.

After all, there’s a camera pointed in your direction.

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by hipdecision on June 6, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on June 6, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/its-wedding-season-kid-and-the-toast/

The skinny tie, and dressed down

It’s not my place to offer fashion advice. To each his own, I say. I only know what works for me and could only pretend to know what works for someone else. Although, I could do a pretty good job pretending.

I have a thing for details. A minor nuance can be all it takes to turn a head or turn your own. There’s some romance in that.

Which brings me to the width of neckties.

When and why did I realize the majority of neckties are too wide for my taste? When and why did I realize a wide necktie makes me feel like I’m wearing clown shoes?

It was because skinny ties came back into fashion as if they’d been there all along. That’s what was wrong with my suits all those years. They were missing that minor nuance.

There’s something about a skinny tie that’s classic and stylish and romantic and noticeable. There’s something about a skinny tie that can’t be replicated in the way it completes a suit. There’s something about a skinny tie that makes me feel, once again, what it’s like to dress up … and then get dressed down.

I’m not professing a Don Draper renaissance. I haven’t even seen the entire first season of Mad Men.

I will suggest, however, that some guys could learn a few things by observing the show. Like the football analysts with ridiculously large ties AND knots. Or the kids who tuck their shirts in, but then pull them out enough to create an enormous muffin top over their belts. WTF is THAT? Just sayin’.

But you’re not going to catch me wearing any more wide ties. I discovered my minor nuance, and I’m taking notice of more.

As if they’d been there all along.

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by hipdecision on June 5, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on June 5, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/06/05/the-skinny-tie-and-dressed-down/

Clock Blocking

Clock Blocked

When you start hitting on a girl, you’re officially on the clock. There are no timeouts and there is no overtime. Not in this game.

I’ve watched so many guys continue to press—long after time has expired—either not realizing the girl isn’t interested, or unwilling to accept “no” for an answer. And I’m not even talking about the pursuit of sex.

I’m talking about the pursuit of a relationship.

If the spark isn’t there, it simply isn’t there. But when it is there, both parties know it when they see it because they both get uncomfortable in a good way.

So, why pursue when there’s nothing to pursue, after the clock shows zeros?

Maybe part of it is the belief she’s playing, “hard to get,” a game that a) guys know exist, b) not all girls play and c) is a ridiculous game in the first place. Playing hard to get tells me a) you’re not interested, b) you’re not interested and c) you’re not interested. And, I bet a bottle of Four Roses Single Barrel that I’m not the only guy who sees it that way.

Or, it could be that some guys inherently feel it’s okay to continue pursuit in spite of the signals suggesting otherwise. Maybe they think it’s a game, and maybe part of them actually enjoys it. In cases such as these, they need to be clock blocked.

Clock blocking is when a girl enlists the help of a friend—girl or guy—to help the pursuer understand that the alarm went off a long time ago. I’ve been the blocker (and admittedly, the blockee) before … literally placing myself between the girl and the guy when there was no space to be found. Dude was not happy. But he got the message.

By the way, this goes both ways. Some girls need to be clock blocked, too.

I’m not saying the pursuit isn’t fun or that it shouldn’t exist, because it should. It’s all part of the play. What I’m suggesting is that the time frame of the pursuit is much shorter than we think. Seriously. It doesn’t take long to recognize attraction when it’s there.

The clock is always ticking, people. Remember that.

And don’t make me clock block you.

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by hipdecision on May 22, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on May 22, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/05/22/clock-blocking/

When I popped her bra, and more cowbell

My hand

To the girl whose bra I popped in eighth grade, I apologize. If it’s any consolation to her, she was my one and only. I can’t explain why I did it other than I was following the lead of a small—albeit influential—crowd. I want her to know the expression on her face and the slight gasp that left her mouth made me immediately regret my decision.

And, it left a permanent impression.

You see, what I discovered a few years later is that a bra is supposed to be the anti-Rubik’s Cube. It isn’t meant to be a puzzle, and it isn’t meant to be handled with unknowing hands.

It is, however, meant to be solved. Skillfully and almost imperceptibly. Almost.

I’m not here to offer experienced advice or brag of meaningless hookups because, I assure you, I have little of either. But, to the guys out there, I’ll tell you this:

Your hands are two of your most important pieces of equipment.

Whether you use your left or right, it doesn’t matter. Only one of them is required to accomplish the task. If you’re using both, you’re drawing attention away from the moment. If you’re using both, you’ve just become a cowbell. Trust me, your girl doesn’t need more cowbell.

You’ll know when you’ve got it down. You’ll see it in the expression on her face. You’ll hear it in the slight gasp that leaves her mouth.

It will be skillful and almost imperceptible.

To the girl whose bra I popped in eighth grade, I thank you.

9 Comments
by hipdecision on May 18, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by hipdecision on May 18, 2012

https://hipdecision.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/when-i-popped-her-bra-and-more-cowbell/

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